Politically Correct Santa

 Politically Correct Santa

Things had become so difficult up at the North Pole

The elves had become unionized they’d put everything on hold

They said Santa was a bore, he wasn’t politically correct

“So we’re shutting you down, there’s work bans in place.” Said the shop steward elect

And so before he'd had a chance to call his lawyer 

Santa had become an equal opportunity employer 

So now in the workshop at his North Pole home

Santa employs dwarves, sprites and gnome

And now the factory floor will feature

Every imaginable fairy-tale creature

So Santa’s helpers are now of all sorts

In the Vertically Challenged Union, VCU for short

And what of the big man, Santa himself

Is he a man or just a big elf?

With a flowing white beard and a jolly old smile

He hasn’t seen his toes in quite a while

His coat is too small and his suit a bit tight

But he’s the right weight for a man twice his height

He used to be jolly, he used to be gay.

But that word has a new meaning these days

Still times have surely changed he said with a shrug

Children can’t sit on my lap and I can’t give them a hug

Not while FACS are out to enforce

All these new Child Protection laws

And as for the book of naughty and nice

It seems that Santa will have to think twice

‘Cause what can he see behind the closed doors

Without breaking any privacy laws

Now we find the naughty are good

They’re not really bad, just misunderstood

Now the toys this year are really terrific

Without them being gender specific

So it’s goodbye Barbie and it’s goodbye Ken

I don’t know when we’ll see them again

Now that the politically correct have had their way

All of the toys are now coloured grey

No longer will there be chocolates and sweets

Because they’ve been deemed unhealthy to eat

And you’ll find if kids eat too much

They’ll end up with diabetes and such

They’ll turn into a sugar abuser

Or end up like Santa a lettuce refuser

At Christmas this year what has Santa learnt

Bow down to minority groups, or for Christmas past yearn

But here is one thing he can give as a gift

Something quite meaningful, to make your spirits lift

It’s the gift that gives again and again

Goodwill to all, and peace among men.